It’s been a strange last few weeks for me. Things have been changing at a vast rate of knots, and I’ve found I have had to look at what was once familiar with new eyes – on an almost daily basis. So I thought I might try to share some of my experiences with you – though I reserve the right to be private about specifics.
Regular followers of my blog will have noticed gaps in my weekly routine of entries during the last month. This has been in part due to the excess of events in my life, and in another part, to the necessity to take time out to process them. And it is about this processing that I find I want to write, this week.
In thinking about success, I have encountered a few unexpected things. I have lived for a long time now with the expectation of a dramatic change in how my life pans out. In short, it looked very likely that I would lose my home.
This is nothing new for me. I have lived in many different houses, in many different places, and often with the knowledge that I would be moving on after a relatively short time. I guess I’m not alone in this. But I’ve never been homeless, and I carry a constant gratitude to whichever deity is looking out for me, for this fact. It has engendered within me a further expectation that I never will be homeless. Something always turns up.
What is different this time is that I have lived in my current house for a long time, and officially, I actually own this one. So coming to terms with the fact that I might lose it, has been quite hard. Though, it turns out, not impossible.
During the last couple of years, I have let myself dream. I have conjured up, and played around with, any number of new scenarios – just to see what they looked like. And I discovered some of them were very exciting. So I had gradually come to a place where I was quietly reconciled to an empty future with multiple possibilities. More than a little reminiscent of writing a book, I think.
Then suddenly, something happened – out of the blue – which appeared to offer me the opportunity to stay in my current house, after all. It was at this point that strange things began to happen. After the initial elation, the eruption of hope and the dalliance with fantasies of what this might mean, unaccountably, I began to mourn the loss of the undefined future I had grown accustomed to.
Despite the comforting pleasantness of the picture unfolding in front of me, I was strangely sad. Sad that the unformed would remain so, that the unexplored might never be visited, and the envisioned would only ever be a vision, not a reality. Even though the future I now had very nearly sitting in my lap was definitely not something I would wish to throw away, it still made me sad to relinquish what might have been – along with the familiar uncertainty that had been my companion for a long time.
It made me wonder whether this is one of the reasons that some people never achieve success – because saying ‘yes’ to whatever form success takes for them, even if much desired, necessarily involves also saying ‘no’.
It might be saying ‘no’ to success in a different format, but which, perhaps, is not realistic or achievable. It might be a ‘letting go’ of previously held beliefs and expectations about life. It might even be a relinquishing of something that you want to relinquish – it’s still a kind of grieving, and it involves a change of heart.
To move truly into a place of success, I discover, means leaving something behind. And even if that is something I want to leave behind, my mind, my psyche and my soul will need time to adjust before I will be able to step into being successful and stay there.
I have met people before who prefer to be miserable rather than change. I am determined not to be one of them. I have a regular practice of finding at least five things every day for which I am grateful, and over the years, this has enabled me to love what I now have around me. My beautiful fireplace, the elegant tulips grown on my allotment, the photos of the dogs who have been my family – all are examples of this.
I now look forward to this new chapter with anticipation. I can’t wait to see what life throws in my direction next.